Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I'm going to explain why you can't save or fix a widower. We're going to start with a common romantic storyline that might be familiar to many of you, and this is how it goes. I call it the story of David and Emily.
David is a widower who lost his wife to a long illness two years ago. He is still in deep grief and struggling to move on while clinging to the memories of his late wife, Sarah. David keeps to himself, avoiding social interactions and focusing only on work. His family and friends encourage him to move on, but he remains emotionally closed off, unsure how to open his heart again. Then, usually by happenstance, a woman named Emily runs into him at work or is introduced to him by friends or family. Maybe she's a coworker or someone David already knows. Whatever the case, Emily is warm, patient, and full of life, with that quiet strength that draws people to her. Emily's genuine kindness and openness to others spark something in David, though he initially resists his growing feelings.
David and Emily keep running into each other, and Emily's warmth slowly chips away at David's emotional walls. Emily shares her own story of recent heartache, showing him that she understands his pain and loss. They become friends. Despite his inner conflict and the fear of letting go of the past, David wants to experience love and happiness again. Soon, David begins to see Emily as more than just a friend. David reaches a breaking point on his late wife's death anniversary, which forces him to confront his grief head-on. He pulls away from Emily, feeling unworthy of love and fearing he will betray his late wife's memory. Emily, understanding as always, gives him space but her patience shows David that love doesn't diminish over time.
In the heartwarming conclusion of our story, David returns to Emily, apologizing for his earlier retreat and confessing his love for her. The two embrace their new future together, understanding that love is a journey of healing and growth. The story ends with David and Emily starting a new chapter of their lives, knowing that love can blossom even after loss.
Now, while stories like David and Emily’s are the foundation for romance books and Hallmark movies, the problem with this plot is that it's utterly detached from reality. In the real world, the story of David and Emily would go something like this: David is still deep in grief two years after the death of his wife, Sarah. He is consumed by the memories of their life together, trying to hold on to the past while struggling with the overwhelming feeling that he will never love again. He goes through daily life but emotionally checks out. Despite the well-meaning encouragement of his friends and family, David isn't ready to move on. The idea of dating again feels like a betrayal to Sarah's memory, and he's not interested in opening himself up to anyone.
Enter Emily, the warm and patient woman who's looking for a fresh start after a difficult breakup. When she meets David, she sees through his stony exterior, noticing the sadness behind his eyes and feeling the deep desire to help him heal. She believes that she can break down the walls he's built around his heart with her patience and kindness. David initially resists her warmth, unsure how to handle Emily's openness, but over time, Emily's gentle persistence wears him down and they begin spending more time together. At first, it's casual—coffee dates, walks around town, moments of shared laughter. David enjoys her company, and for a fleeting moment, he wonders if there might be a chance for something new. He agrees to go on a few more dates, thinking that perhaps he could try to move on, but deep down, he's not truly ready. Every time Emily shows affection or speaks about a future together, David's heart recoils, overwhelmed by the memory of Sarah. Still, he agrees to a relationship because he enjoys Emily's company, and let's face it, it's better than being alone.
As the months pass, Emily grows increasingly frustrated at David's lack of progress in opening his heart. She’s been patient and understanding, knowing that David needs time, but the longer they’re together, the clearer it becomes that David’s heart is still locked in the past. He continues to push her away emotionally, unable or unwilling to fully open up to her. Emily watches as David remains emotionally distant, unable to share the love she feels for him. She starts to realize that despite her best efforts, David isn't ready for a relationship—at least not with her, anyway. Maybe not with anyone.
After two years of waiting for David to heal, Emily makes the difficult decision to walk away. Though heartbroken, she gains clarity, realizing that it's time to find someone who can fully be present with her. Meanwhile, David remains trapped in his memories, uncertain if he'll ever move on. Emily accepts the painful truth that love alone can't fix what's broken. She leaves, sad and frustrated, knowing that her love couldn’t heal someone who wasn't ready to heal himself.
Unfortunately, the second version of the story is far more common and realistic than the first. In fact, it's a story I hear daily from clients who have spent months or even years of their lives trying to heal a heart that's not ready to be mended. They’ve showered their widowed partner with patience and love, only to end up with broken dreams and shattered hearts themselves. The reality is, you can’t save or fix a widower. No amount of love, patience, or effort will make a difference unless the widower wants to move forward and open his heart again. He’s the only one who can save himself. You might inspire him to take steps toward opening his heart, but you can’t do it for him.
A good way to look at this is like running a marathon. You can be there at the starting line to cheer him on. You can be there at aid stations, giving him something to drink and offering encouraging words at mile markers along the way. You can even be there at the finish line to give him a hug when the race is over. But you can’t run the race for him. That’s only something the widower can do. And a widower won’t run the race, so to speak, unless he has a reason and the motivation to run it.
So some of you are asking: what can you do to incentivize or encourage a widower to open his heart? Here are three things. The first is to expect the same behavior from him as you would a single or divorced man. Don’t keep silent when he says something that makes you uncomfortable; speak up. The second thing is to set healthy boundaries by letting him know how his words, actions, or lack thereof are unacceptable, and that you need to be number one in his heart. The third is to not be afraid to walk away if he’s not making progress. Waiting around forever for a widower to change usually doesn’t yield good results. Sometimes, widowers need to feel that they’ve lost you in order to evaluate their life and decisions.
Do these three things, and you'll give the widower all the motivation and incentive he needs to open his heart—if he’s ready to do it. If you do these things and he can’t move forward with you, he’s not ready.
I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, which, by the way, is a great resource if you want to know if the widower you’re dating is ready for a serious relationship. Check out the book, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.
