Erika Kirk, Joe Biden, and the “Correct” Way to Grieve

Is there a “right” way to grieve after losing a spouse—or are we just projecting our discomfort onto other people’s pain?

Hey everyone, I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we’re talking about the so-called “correct” way to grieve. And yes, I’m using air quotes around correct—because everyone seems to have strong opinions about how someone should grieve after losing a spouse—especially people who’ve never lost one.

Take Erika Kirk, the widow of Charlie Kirk. After her husband’s murder last year, she grieved in a very public way. She gave speeches, did interviews, and stepped into a leadership role in her late husband’s organization. And almost immediately, the internet went to work. Armchair critics—people with plenty of opinions and zero lived experience—decided she was “moving on too fast” or “not grieving correctly.” Some even accused her of abandoning her children in pursuit of fame and fortune.

Of course, almost none of these people have ever buried a spouse. But that didn’t stop them from judging.

Here’s the truth: grief is deeply personal. Some people cry constantly. Some throw themselves into work. Some need quiet. Some need purpose. All of it can be normal—because grief doesn’t follow a timetable or a rulebook. And until you’re actually in that position, you have no idea how you’d respond.

If you’re still convinced Erika Kirk is grieving “the wrong way,” let me give you another example.

In November of 1972, a relatively unknown lawyer named Joe Biden was elected to the U.S. Senate by just over 3,000 votes. At twenty-nine, he became one of the youngest senators ever elected. Five weeks later, his entire world collapsed.

On December 18, while Biden was in Washington, D.C., interviewing potential staff, his wife, Neilia, took their three children out to buy a Christmas tree. Their car was struck by a semi-truck. Neilia and their one-year-old daughter, Naomi, were killed instantly. Biden’s two young sons, Beau and Hunter, were critically injured.

Suddenly, Biden faced an impossible choice: resign before ever taking the oath of office—or try to serve while barely holding himself together. With his colleagues' encouragement and knowing how hard he and Neilia had worked to get there, he agreed to give the job a six-month try. In January 1973—less than a month after losing his wife and daughter—Joe Biden took the oath of office at his son’s hospital bedside.

Most of you know how this story ended. He pushed through his grief and, with help, raised his sons. He remarried a few years later. He served in the Senate until 2009, then as Vice President for eight years, and in 2020 was elected President of the United States.

So let me ask you honestly: should Joe Biden have resigned and walked away? Was it “too soon” for him to serve? I ask because if you’re going to judge one public figure by that standard, are you willing to apply the same standard to all of them?

From my own loss—and from talking with thousands of widows and widowers over the years—I’ve learned this: there are healthy ways to grieve, and there are unhealthy ones. Having purpose matters. Channeling your energy into work, family, service, or honoring the person you lost is usually healthy. What Joe Biden did—and what Erika Kirk is doing—is far healthier in the long run than numbing the pain with drugs, alcohol, or reckless behavior. Those things don’t heal grief. They delay it and make it worse.

So the next time a public figure—or someone in your own life—loses a spouse, resist the urge to criticize and police their grief. Instead of firing off an emotional social-media post, pause and ask yourself a better question: Is what they’re doing helping them survive—or am I just uncomfortable with how their pain looks?

Grief doesn’t need commentary. It needs compassion. Mourn with people, not at them. Show up. Offer help. Sit in the discomfort instead of trying to control it.

Widows and widowers have to be strong—not because they don’t feel pain, but because their lives have been permanently altered. Bills still come due. Children still need parenting. Decisions still have to be made. Survival isn’t optional; it’s necessary. And when someone is doing the best they can to keep moving forward, your criticism doesn’t heal anyone’s grief or bring a loved one back—it only adds weight to a burden they’re already struggling to carry.

Erika Kirk and Joe Biden didn’t choose the tragedies that reshaped their lives—but they did choose how to respond. They chose purpose over paralysis. Movement over collapse. And whether you agree with their choices or not, those choices were theirs to make—not ours to judge.

There is no universal timetable for grief. No checklist. No “right” way that applies to everyone. Grief is personal. Survival is personal. And until you’ve stood in that place yourself, the most honest thing you can say is not “Here’s what you should do,” but “How can I help?”

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. Thanks for watching—and I’ll see you next Wednesday.

The First Reason Marriages to Widowers Thrive

Want your marriage to a widower to thrive? Then watch this video!

Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of Marrying a Widower. Today we’re talking about Key #1 to building a thriving marriage with a widower: making each other the top priority.

It sounds obvious, but this is exactly where so many marriages to widowers start to crack. Not because the widower doesn’t care—most do—but because he’s torn in a dozen different directions. He’s trying to honor the past, protect his kids’ feelings, manage outside expectations, and somehow not lose you in the process. But here’s the truth: you can’t build a future with someone while keeping one foot in the past. And that goes for both of you.

The widower has to decide—consciously and intentionally—where his loyalty, attention, and emotional energy are going to go now. He can’t give his whole heart to someone new if part of it is still living in yesterday. At the same time, you need to be all-in as well. You can’t be half-in, constantly testing the relationship, or prioritizing your children, friends, or obligations over your marriage. If he’s stepping forward to put you first, he needs to know you’re doing the same thing.

Let me share a story. I met a couple at a remarriage conference who told me it took them almost three years to feel like an actual team. Why? Because every holiday, every family dinner, every big decision was filtered through one thing: “How will the kids react?” Selling his house… skipping a family event… even decorating for Christmas… every choice was made to avoid upsetting someone. They were walking on eggshells, always worried about the ripple effect. And that mindset poisoned everything. It kept them stuck in grief instead of moving forward in love.

Their marriage was close to ending—until they made a decision. They decided to stop trying to manage everyone else’s emotions and start building something new together. New memories. New routines. New goals. And yes, there was pushback from both sides of the family. But that shift is what finally allowed them to feel like a couple instead of two people trying to keep the peace.

This was something Julianna and I had to figure out, too. Even though we didn’t have children when we met, we still knew a fresh start was necessary if we were going to build something strong. One of the first things we agreed on was that I would sell my recently remodeled house so we could move somewhere new together. That meant letting go of comfort and familiarity. There were bumps along the way, but it was worth it. We ended up in a basement apartment 35 miles away—not glamorous, but exactly the clean slate we needed.

We also decided how we would spend holidays and special occasions—not based on what we’d always done, not based on what anyone expected of us, but based on what would strengthen our marriage. That shift toward new traditions and shared choices gave us a solid foundation to build on.

If your marriage is going to succeed, you both have to stop looking backward and trying to keep everyone else happy. You have to build something that’s uniquely yours. That means putting each other first every single day—not just in words, but in your choices, your habits, and your priorities.

When you do that, you create a relationship where you both feel seen, valued, and chosen as the person who holds the future with you.

Don’t settle for anything less. Expect that kind of love—and give it back just as fully.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Marrying a Widower, and I’ll see you all next week.

The Second Reason Marriages to Widowers Thrive

Here’s my latest Widower Wednesday video.

Transcript: Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of Marrying a Widower. Today we’re talking about the second reason marriages to widowers thrive, and that happens when they set healthy boundaries with family, friends, and everyone else who thinks they get a vote in your relationship. Because sometimes, the hardest part about being with a widower isn’t the widower—it’s everyone orbiting around him.

A widower can be completely ready to start a new chapter, but his adult children, the late wife’s family, the old friend group, people at church, and even the next-door neighbor may act like they get to decide what he should do next. Most of these people mean well. But your marriage can’t run on other people’s opinions, expectations, or outdated loyalties. That’s why boundaries matter. If you don’t define them, someone else will—and it won’t be in your favor.

For your marriage to thrive, you both have to stop letting other people dictate how your relationship works. That includes his late wife’s family, his kids, your kids, old friends, extended family—anyone who thinks they have permanent input. If either of you is still being emotionally pulled in a direction that competes with your commitment to each other, you’re going to run into problems. A strong marriage needs boundaries that come from inside the relationship—not from guilt, pressure, or people who think they’re entitled to a seat at the table.

Let me give you a real example. A couple I talked with struggled their entire first year of marriage because the widower’s adult daughter refused to call his new wife anything other than “Dad’s friend.” She wouldn’t acknowledge the marriage. She avoided family photos. Every gathering was tense. Finally, the widower sat down with her and said—kindly but firmly—“We’re not asking for approval. Just basic courtesy. You don’t have to like the marriage, but you will respect it. And if the drama continues, I’ll have to spend less time with you because my marriage comes first.” That one boundary didn’t fix everything overnight, but it sent a message: this relationship matters. You don’t get to minimize it. And slowly, things changed. That’s the power of boundaries.

And just to be clear—this isn’t only the widower’s job. If your adult son shows up uninvited, starts drama, or expects you to drop everything for him, and you keep enabling it, that’s not just a boundary issue. That’s a loyalty issue. Same goes for friends who trash your husband or undermine the relationship. If you tolerate it, you’re inviting problems into the marriage.

I was fortunate. Most family and friends were supportive when I started a new relationship. But even then, I still had to have uncomfortable conversations. I had to tell people that I couldn’t keep participating in certain traditions or events because Julianna and I were building a new life together. New life means new routines—not recycled obligations. Most people respected it once they realized we were serious about protecting our marriage.

If you’re dating or engaged, set boundaries now. It will save you a lot of pain later. If you’re already married and struggling, it’s not too late. Sit down together and talk through what boundaries need to be set, what loyalty looks like, how much influence others should have, and what behaviors you won’t tolerate. Then have the uncomfortable conversations—and back each other up when those boundaries get tested. If he won’t stand beside you when things get tough, that’s a red flag. But if you won’t stand beside him, don’t expect him to fight these battles alone. Marriage is a team sport. You face this stuff together or it will eat away at the relationship from both sides.

Marrying a widower isn’t about replacing the past. It’s about protecting the future. And sometimes, that starts with one small word: no. No to guilt trips. No to being minimized. No to emotional manipulation disguised as tradition. No to “what she would have wanted.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation for setting boundaries. But you do owe it to each other to build a marriage that’s protected, prioritized, and built to last.

I'm Dating a Widower with Money Problems

You can see a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes:

“How long do you wait for a widower to fix his financial and professional stability? He lost his wife a year ago. Said he was ready to date again. But in the five months I’ve known him, I’ve seen ZERO effort in healing or moving forward. Professionally and financially, things are really bad. He won’t talk about anything meaningful. Am I being selfish or insensitive? Any advice?”

Here’s the hard truth:

You should expect the same basic behavior from a widower that you would from any single or divorced man. If he tells you he’s ready for a relationship, his actions should back that up.

Five months is plenty of time to see whether he’s moving forward. If there’s been zero progress—emotionally, financially, professionally—and he refuses to have real conversations, that’s not grief talking. That’s avoidance. And avoidance is a massive red flag.

I don’t know why his finances or career are in trouble, but the bigger issue is this: he’s not doing anything to fix it. And he’s not letting you in. That tells you everything you need to know.

At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. And his actions are saying he’s nowhere near ready to open his heart or build a real partnership.

Don’t wait around hoping he’ll magically change. Cut ties now before you invest more time, emotion, or resources in someone who’s not ready—and isn’t making you or the relationship a priority.

New Audiobook: Marrying a Widower Now Available

The audiobook version of Marrying a Widower: What You Need to Know Before Tying the Knot is now available wherever audiobooks are sold. Links and more information below.

Listen to the first chapter below.

Relationships run on compatibility, not potential

Watch a video of this post here.

A viewer writes: My boyfriend doesn’t want marriage or family (children). Our values aren’t the same.

Relationships run on compatibility, not potential. If you want marriage and a family and he’s made it clear he doesn’t, you’re not “working through a problem”—you’re in a relationship with someone whose life goals directly contradict yours. That’s not something you negotiate or “wait out.”

When core values don’t line up, the relationship has already hit its ceiling. You can either give up what you want or accept that he’s not the guy. Don’t waste years hoping someone will suddenly want what you’ve always wanted. Find a man whose vision for the future matches yours. It really is that simple.

Introduction to Marrying a Widower, Second Edition

This is a must-read for anyone married to or planning on marrying a widow or widower.

Introduction to the Second Edition

When I wrote the first edition of this book, Julianna and I were married for about a decade. I’d already spent several years connecting with widows, widowers, and those dating them. At that time, however, I hadn’t started my coaching practice. Most of the people I spoke with were still in the dating phase. Conversations with those who were engaged or already married were few and far between. That all changed once I began coaching.

Coaching provided me with a firsthand view of the difficulties couples encounter when a widower pursues marriage. I began hearing from women who were engaged and anxious about whether the widower was genuinely ready to tie the knot, widowers who weren’t sure if they were truly prepared to marry, and couples who thought they were doing everything right until things started falling apart.

I’ve watched many of my clients’ relationships grow into strong, lasting marriages. Sadly, I’ve also seen more than a few fall apart—sometimes just a few months after exchanging vows. Nothing is more heartbreaking than hearing from a woman who thought marriage would fix everything, only to find out her widower wasn’t ready to open his heart. Nothing is more painful than hearing a man admit, after the fact, that he rushed into a second marriage because he was lonely and thought that a new relationship would alleviate his grief and heartbreak.

This second edition is, for all practical purposes, a complete rewrite. While many of the core principles from the original version remain, this edition goes much deeper. It’s built on hard-earned insight from my marriage to Julianna and hundreds of coaching calls, emails, and conversations with real people in the trenches. It explains why so many marriages to widowers fail. More importantly, it outlines what you can do to ensure yours doesn’t. In it, you’ll find practical advice for evaluating a widower’s readiness, setting boundaries, avoiding common pitfalls, and building a strong foundation for the future. If you’re already married, there’s guidance here for strengthening your relationship—especially if things aren’t going as smoothly as you hoped.

This year, Julianna and I celebrated 22 years of marriage. Like others, our marriage is a work in progress. However, it’s stronger, deeper, and more resilient than when I wrote the first edition. The lessons in this book reflect what we’ve lived and seen work and fail for countless others.

I hope this book helps you avoid the landmines and gives you the tools to make wise decisions before saying “I do.” If you’ve already tied the knot, I hope it gives you what you need to build a strong, steady relationship that will last the rest of your life.

Let’s get to work!

Abel Keogh
August 2025

New, Second Edition: Marrying a Widower

The second edition of Marrying a Widower: What You Need to Know Before Tying the Knot is now available in print, digital, and audiobook.

Marrying a widower means writing a new story—together

Every marriage takes work, but marrying a widower comes with its own set of emotional and relational challenges. If you’re engaged or in a serious relationship with a widower, you need to know if he’s truly ready to build a life with you. Marrying a Widower will give you the clarity and confidence to either move forward—or walk away.

Drawing on more than two decades of personal and professional experience, remarried widower and relationship coach Abel Keogh shares practical advice for creating a strong, lasting marriage, including:

• How to ensure your marriage is new and meaningful--not a continuation of his past

• The top reasons marriages to widowers fail and how to avoid them

• How to protect yourself financially and emotionally

• How to handle the wedding guest list (and why some people should be left off)

• How to confirm you’re truly compatible in all the right areas—not just focused on widower-related issues

You’ll also find more than 15 real-life stories from women who have stood exactly where you are now. Whether you’re engaged or simply weighing the future, Marrying a Widower will help you evaluate your relationship honestly and prepare for a marriage rooted in love, commitment, and a future that belongs to both of you.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Will the Widower Love Me Like He Loved the Late Wife?

Chapter 2: The Top Three Reasons Marriages to Widowers Fail

Chapter 3: Three Keys to a Thriving Marriage with a Widower

Chapter 4: Ashes, Headstones, and Burial Plots

Chapter 5: Why You Need a Prenup Before Marrying a Widower

Chapter 6: Thinking Beyond Widower Issues

Chapter 7: Who Should You (Not) Invite to Your Wedding?

Chapter 8: The Best Thing You Can Do for Your Marriage

Chapter 9: Final Thoughts

You Can't Compete with a Memory

Quote from Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over.

Thomas Massie and the Grief Police

Note: Watch the short video version of this here.

The internet is furious again — and this time, it’s because a widower dared to rebuild his life. Kentucky Representative Thomas Massie announced on social media that he recently got married to former congressional staffer Carolyn Grance Moffa — just 16 months after his late wife, Rhonda, passed away unexpectedly. And almost immediately, the grief police showed up in full force. They criticized him for marrying “too soon,” accused him of not loving his late wife enough, and even threw around accusations that the relationship must have begun before Rhonda died.

Here’s what most people don’t realize: it’s actually very common for widowers to remarry relatively quickly. It’s also common for them to marry someone already in their social or professional circle — someone they already know and trust. None of Massie’s behavior is unusual. The real issue is that our society doesn’t understand how grief works or how men process loss, and that ignorance leads to misconceptions, judgment, and guilt.

Now, some of you might be wondering, “How do you know he was ready to open his heart again?” The truth is, I don’t know Representative Massie personally — but neither does anyone else criticizing him online. And that’s the point. We don’t get to determine someone else’s emotional readiness just because it doesn’t line up with what we think we might do.

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. There isn’t a calendar where you flip to month sixteen and suddenly receive permission to date again. It’s a deeply personal, invisible process that plays out differently for every human being. The heart doesn’t forget, it grows. Love is not a limited resource and when someone finds the courage to open their heart after devastating loss, that should be something we honor, not attack.

And if you’re a widow or widower who chooses not to date or remarry — or you believe you would never date again if your spouse passed — that’s fine. That’s your choice. But it’s not morally superior. You don’t earn virtue points for remaining alone forever.

So please — stop policing the grief of others. Stop telling widows and widowers how long they’re required to suffer. Life doesn’t end when a spouse dies. It continues. And for those who find love again, we should celebrate the new chapter, not shame them for turning the page.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. Thanks for watching, and we’ll see you next week.