Why Widows and Widowers Will Never Be Their “Old Self” Again

When someone loses a spouse, they’re forever changed. Widows and widowers don’t go back to being their “old self” — and that’s not always a bad thing. In this video, Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, explains how grief can either harden or refine widows and widowers and what that means for future relationships.

Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and recently, a viewer left the following comment on my YouTube channel:

"Abel, I’m dating a widower who lost his wife 1.5 years ago. There are no major red flags, and though we do have some issues, we are working through them. The problem is that my widower boyfriend is concerned that he’s not his old self anymore. He says he used to be more joking and lighthearted, and now he’s more of a serious person. Do you have any ideas on how to get more of his old self back?"

Great question. Here’s my answer: loss changes you. When you lose a spouse, the way you see the world and interact with others is forever altered. Your widower isn’t going to be exactly his “old self,” and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. What matters is how he’s changed since his loss.

Some widows and widowers struggle after loss. If they’re not careful, grief can pull them in the opposite direction. Instead of softening their hearts, it can harden them. They can become bitter, cynical, or so focused on their own pain that they stop showing up for others. Some withdraw entirely, shutting people out. Others lean too heavily on their kids, friends, or a new partner to carry the weight of their grief.

Grief can also make people careless. They might neglect their health, finances, or responsibilities. Some numb themselves with alcohol, overspending, or rebound relationships. Anger, irritability, and impatience can replace kindness and compassion. And perhaps the most damaging of all, they can get stuck in the past—clinging so tightly to their late spouse and old routines that they miss out on building a new, meaningful life.

But grief can also refine and reshape a person. For those willing to work through the pain, it can teach patience, resilience, and compassion. Loss often sharpens priorities: wasted time and meaningless drama don’t matter as much, relationships are valued more, and loved ones are appreciated in ways they weren’t before. Life feels fragile, so every day is lived with greater focus and intention.

For many, grief strips away pretense. There’s no energy left to fake or play games. Instead, it fosters honesty and authenticity. You learn to show up as yourself, unapologetically, and to invest your time in things that truly matter.

I can give a personal example. In the days after Krista’s first death anniversary, I did some soul searching to make sure I was ready to marry Julianna. Mentally, I felt profoundly changed—like I had aged and grown 20 years wiser. As a result, I was:

  • More compassionate

  • More grounded and focused

  • More resilient

  • More patient

  • More grateful

  • More spiritual

  • More serious

  • Less judgmental

  • More intentional

  • More present

I’m not perfect—far from it—but my loss forced me to learn some hard lessons. Those changes helped shape me into someone ready for a lasting, loving marriage. Had I gone the opposite direction, allowing bitterness or self-centeredness to take hold, there’s no way Julianna and I would have enjoyed 22 years together and raised seven kids.

At the end of the day, loss changes all of us. Some people let grief harden them; others let it refine them. Your widower isn’t going to return to his old self, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a better man than he was before. The real question isn’t whether he’ll crack the same jokes or carry the same lightness he once did—it’s whether the man standing in front of you today has grown into someone stronger, wiser, and more intentional. That’s the version of him you need to evaluate, because that’s who you’ll be building a life with.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

Upset That Your Widowed Mom or Dad Is Dating?

If you’re an adult and upset that your widowed mom or dad is dating again, relationship coach Abel Keogh adds some needed perspective to this heartbreaking issue.

If you’re an adult and upset that your widowed mom or dad is dating again, this message is for you.

I get it. It’s hard to see Mom or Dad dating again. Maybe you're still grieving. Maybe it feels like a betrayal to see them with someone else. Maybe you're worried they’re rushing into something. Or maybe it just stings to see them building a new life, which means spending less time with you.

Whatever the reason, your pain is real. But here’s the truth: you lost a parent. That’s heartbreaking. But your surviving parent? They lost a spouse. A partner. The person they built their life with. And now, they're trying to rebuild that life without them.

You might think it’s too soon. You might not like who they’re dating. You might feel it’s “disrespectful” to your deceased mom or dad, but you don’t get to set the timeline for someone else’s grief—or their healing. But you don’t get to decide when someone else is allowed to feel love again. How would you feel, for example, if your parents told you who you could or couldn’t date, marry, or share your life with? Would you consider that disrespectful?

You know what else is disrespectful? Telling your mom or dad they should be content being alone. Telling them they can only come to events if they leave their new love back home. Withholding visits to their grandchildren because you don’t like their decisions or that their life, moving forward, must revolve around your feelings and sit quietly on the sidelines.

Let me be clear: your parent is still alive and they still have love to give. They still want connection, companionship, and joy. Loving someone else doesn’t diminish their love for their late spouse, for you, or anyone else. And while he or she doesn’t need your blessing to pursue these things, they do want you to be part of this new chapter with them.

If you make their new partner feel like an outsider, if you lay down ultimatums like, “You can come, but she can’t,” or “I don’t want him around my kids,” you’re not protecting your family. You’re trying to control it. That’s not concern, that’s manipulation. And it hurts your parents and your relationship with them more than you realize.

No one’s asking you to forget your late mom or dad. But if you truly love the parent who’s still here, show it. Support them. Let them live. Let them be whole again—not frozen in time to fit your comfort zone. Get to know the new person in their life and give your surviving parent a chance to show what love looks like.

So ask yourself honestly: Are you honoring your parents, or are you just angry they’re moving forward without your permission? Is it worth destroying a relationship just because you don’t approve of their choices? You don’t have to embrace their new love or agree with their decision to move forward, but you should at least give them a chance to move forward in life.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and I’ll see you all, next  Wednesday.

Choosing Between My Grandson and My Fiancée

Relationship Coach Abel Keogh answers the following question from a viewer: "What about my relationship with my grandson who is turning 13 this week? The problem is that he needs me to be at his party but his mom refuses to let me bring my future wife . Her excuse is she just doesn’t know this lady enough to allow her around her family .I’m put between either going without her and hurting my fiancé or not going and hurting my grandson. How do I handle this situation without dying inside my own heart?"

Abel’s Answer: This is an awful situation that you find yourself in, and unfortunately, it’s one that many widows and widowers experience when their adult children aren’t happy that mom or dad is dating again. You love your grandson, and you want to be there for him. But here’s the hard truth: What his mom is doing is engaging in manipulative behavior, and going to that party without your fiancée will only reward and reinforce her behavior.

The excuse that she “just doesn’t know” your future wife sounds reasonable on the surface—but let’s be honest: if she wanted to know her, my guess is that she’s had plenty of chances. In fact, she could use this party as a chance to get to know her better. What his mom is really saying is, “I don’t like your relationship, so I’m going to control how and when it’s allowed to exist around my family.”

That’s not a healthy dynamic, and if you give in, you send a clear message: she can control your future marriage by holding your grandson over your head. That’s not fair to you, your fiancée, or even your grandson—who is being used as leverage.

So what do you do? You stand up for your relationship by kindly but firmly telling your grandson’s mom that you won’t attend events where your future wife isn’t welcome. If she wants a real relationship with you, it needs to be built on love and mutual respect, not ultimatums and manipulative behavior.

I don’t know if your 13-year-old grandson has a phone, but I would call or text him and let him know that you can’t make the party, but wish him a happy birthday and see if there’s another time you can visit. I feel bad that he’s caught in the middle of this, but the only way the situation will improve is by taking a stand and letting his mom know that her manipulative and unreasonable behavior won’t be tolerated.

 


The Third Reason Marriages to Widows and Widowers End in Divorce

In this episode of Widower Wednesday, Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, shares the third major reason marriages to widowers fall apart: kids—not just his, but hers too. From blending families to co-parenting battles to grown kids bringing chaos into the home, unresolved kid-related issues can destroy a relationship if the couple isn’t on the same page. Learn what to watch for, how to prepare, and why open eyes and honest conversations before marriage are critical to long-term success.

7 Signs You’re Being Used by a Widow or Widower (And What to Do About It)

Are you dating a widow or widower and starting to wonder if they’re really in it for the right reasons? In this video, Abel Keogh, widower relationship coach and author of Dating a Widower, shares 7 unmistakable signs that you’re being used. Learn what to look for, what to do about it, and how to stop wasting time on someone who isn’t ready to commit.

Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, and today we’re talking about something a lot of men and women who are dating widows and widowers secretly worry about: Are you being used?

This topic comes from a viewer who asked, “Abel, what are the signs that a widower is using me?” It’s a great question—and one I’ve heard many times. Because when you’re dating a widow or widower, especially one who hasn’t fully healed, there’s a real risk that you’re not in a mutual, committed relationship… but just filling a void.

So in this video, I’m going to walk you through seven signs that might mean you're being used by a widow or widower. If any of these hit close to home, don’t ignore them. Your next step is to talk to the widower about what you’re seeing and how it makes you feel. If he’s willing to make changes, great. If not, it's time to move on.

Let’s get into it.

The first that a widow or widower may be using you is that you feel like you’re competing with a ghost

If they constantly brings up the late spouse like how he or she handled things, how he or she made them feel, or how perfect he or she was. They’re stuck in the past, and you’re just along for the ride.

Instead of focusing on building a future with you, they’re emotionally anchored to their previous life. If you feel like you’re constantly being compared to someone who’s no longer here—and coming up short—it’s a strong sign that you’re not being seen as a full, independent partner. You’re just a stand-in.

That’s not love. That’s emotional baggage.

The second sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they’re not willing to build new memories or traditions with you

Everything still revolves around the late spouse. Their house hasn’t changed much, they vacations in the same places, celebrates holidays exactly the way they did when the late spouse was alive—and when you suggest doing something different, they either brushes it off or flat-out refuses.

The truth is, if they’re not willing to create new memories or build a life with you, they don’t want a real relationship. They just wants you to step into the one they already had. They’re not building anything with you—they’re just plugging you into a life that hasn’t moved on.

The third sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they only want a physical connection or practical companionship.

You’re always available when they needs comfort, someone to talk to, help around the house, or sex. But when you need emotional support, or even just a genuine effort from them? Crickets.

The relationship starts to feel one-sided. You give and give, but there’s very little coming back your way. If it feels like you’re being emotionally drained while they’re getting everything they want, you’re not in a relationship—you’re being used as a support system.

The fourth sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that you’re kept separate from his family and friends.

You’ve been dating for a while, maybe even months or longer, but you’re still not meeting their friends, kids, or the important people in their life. Or if you have met them, it’s casual, surface-level, and you’re clearly being kept at a distance.

If a widow or widower is serious about you, they’ll want to integrate you into their world. But if you’re being hidden, sidelined, or treated like some secret—especially when they had no trouble introducing people to his late spouse—that’s a sign you’re not being treated as a real partner.

You’re not in their life. You’re just next to it.

The fifth sign that a widow or widower is using you is that they use grief to manipulate you.

Any time you bring up your needs, boundaries, or feelings, they turns the conversation back to their pain. They uses grief as a shield—to avoid accountability, to shut down difficult conversations, or to make you feel guilty for asking for more.

Look, grief is real. But it’s not a free pass to treat someone poorly. If they’re using his loss to justify emotional neglect or disrespect, they’re not in a place to love someone else. And if they’re not working through that grief in a healthy way, odds are high you’re being used to avoid it.

The sixth sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they won’t talk about the future

Whenever the topic of moving in, marriage, or even long-term plans comes up, they shut it down by saying something like “now’s not the right time,” or “Let’s just see where this goes.”

Translation? They’re not planning a future with you. And if a widow or widower can’t imagine you in his future—or avoids every opportunity to talk about it—it’s because they haven’t put you there.

You might be meeting their present-day needs, but they’re not investing in a life together. That’s not love. That’s convenience.

The seventh that a widow or widower is using you is that you’re not treated as an equal partner.

You’re the one who’s constantly adjusting—your schedule, your expectations, your emotional needs—all to keep the relationship going. You’re the one who’s compromising, accommodating, and doing all the work.

Meanwhile, their needs come first. Their grief comes first. Their comfort comes first. And over time, you start to feel more like a caretaker than a partner.

A real relationship is mutual. If you’re always bending while they stand still, then yes—you’re being taken advantage of.

Those are the 7 signs. If you recognize one—or more—of these signs in your relationship, don’t ignore them. Bring it up. Talk it through. And see what they do with that conversation.

If they takes responsibility and starts making changes, you’ve got something to work with. But if they gets defensive, dismissive, or nothing changes... it’s time to walk away.

You deserve someone who’s all in. Someone who’s not stuck in the past, not using grief as a crutch, and not just looking for someone to fill a void.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. If you’ve seen other signs of being used by a widower, drop them in the comments—I’d love to hear your perspective. And I’ll see you next Wednesday with more advice on navigating relationships with widows and widowers.

Why He Won't Marry You: The Real Reason a Widower Won't Commit

What does it mean your widower won't commit to marriage and won’t even tell you why? In this episode of Widower Wednesday, Abel Keogh breaks down what it really means when a widower avoids giving you a straight answer. If you're feeling stuck, uncertain, or tired of waiting, this video gives you the clarity you need to make the right decision for your future. Watch now to hear the hard truth—and what you can do about it.

Self-Love & Emotional Independence: Key Lessons from My Relationship with a Widower

In this Widower Wednesday video, Elvira shares her powerful journey of healing and personal growth after dating a widower. From learning to love herself to discovering the importance of emotional independence, Elvira opens up about the lessons she’s learned and how they’ve shaped her approach to relationships.

If you've ever found yourself giving too much of yourself in a relationship or struggled with finding your own peace, Elvira's story offers valuable insights on how to prioritize your well-being and create healthy, fulfilling connections.

Key Takeaways:

  • How to develop radical self-awareness and listen to your instincts

  • The importance of emotional independence and self-love in relationships

  • Learning to forgive yourself and set healthy boundaries

  • Protecting your inner peace while navigating relationships

    Whether you’re dating a widower or just looking for relationship advice, this video provides wisdom on how to protect yourself emotionally and embrace a healthy, balanced approach to love.