The Third Reason Marriages to Widows and Widowers End in Divorce

In this episode of Widower Wednesday, Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, shares the third major reason marriages to widowers fall apart: kids—not just his, but hers too. From blending families to co-parenting battles to grown kids bringing chaos into the home, unresolved kid-related issues can destroy a relationship if the couple isn’t on the same page. Learn what to watch for, how to prepare, and why open eyes and honest conversations before marriage are critical to long-term success.

7 Signs You’re Being Used by a Widow or Widower (And What to Do About It)

Are you dating a widow or widower and starting to wonder if they’re really in it for the right reasons? In this video, Abel Keogh, widower relationship coach and author of Dating a Widower, shares 7 unmistakable signs that you’re being used. Learn what to look for, what to do about it, and how to stop wasting time on someone who isn’t ready to commit.

Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, and today we’re talking about something a lot of men and women who are dating widows and widowers secretly worry about: Are you being used?

This topic comes from a viewer who asked, “Abel, what are the signs that a widower is using me?” It’s a great question—and one I’ve heard many times. Because when you’re dating a widow or widower, especially one who hasn’t fully healed, there’s a real risk that you’re not in a mutual, committed relationship… but just filling a void.

So in this video, I’m going to walk you through seven signs that might mean you're being used by a widow or widower. If any of these hit close to home, don’t ignore them. Your next step is to talk to the widower about what you’re seeing and how it makes you feel. If he’s willing to make changes, great. If not, it's time to move on.

Let’s get into it.

The first that a widow or widower may be using you is that you feel like you’re competing with a ghost

If they constantly brings up the late spouse like how he or she handled things, how he or she made them feel, or how perfect he or she was. They’re stuck in the past, and you’re just along for the ride.

Instead of focusing on building a future with you, they’re emotionally anchored to their previous life. If you feel like you’re constantly being compared to someone who’s no longer here—and coming up short—it’s a strong sign that you’re not being seen as a full, independent partner. You’re just a stand-in.

That’s not love. That’s emotional baggage.

The second sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they’re not willing to build new memories or traditions with you

Everything still revolves around the late spouse. Their house hasn’t changed much, they vacations in the same places, celebrates holidays exactly the way they did when the late spouse was alive—and when you suggest doing something different, they either brushes it off or flat-out refuses.

The truth is, if they’re not willing to create new memories or build a life with you, they don’t want a real relationship. They just wants you to step into the one they already had. They’re not building anything with you—they’re just plugging you into a life that hasn’t moved on.

The third sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they only want a physical connection or practical companionship.

You’re always available when they needs comfort, someone to talk to, help around the house, or sex. But when you need emotional support, or even just a genuine effort from them? Crickets.

The relationship starts to feel one-sided. You give and give, but there’s very little coming back your way. If it feels like you’re being emotionally drained while they’re getting everything they want, you’re not in a relationship—you’re being used as a support system.

The fourth sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that you’re kept separate from his family and friends.

You’ve been dating for a while, maybe even months or longer, but you’re still not meeting their friends, kids, or the important people in their life. Or if you have met them, it’s casual, surface-level, and you’re clearly being kept at a distance.

If a widow or widower is serious about you, they’ll want to integrate you into their world. But if you’re being hidden, sidelined, or treated like some secret—especially when they had no trouble introducing people to his late spouse—that’s a sign you’re not being treated as a real partner.

You’re not in their life. You’re just next to it.

The fifth sign that a widow or widower is using you is that they use grief to manipulate you.

Any time you bring up your needs, boundaries, or feelings, they turns the conversation back to their pain. They uses grief as a shield—to avoid accountability, to shut down difficult conversations, or to make you feel guilty for asking for more.

Look, grief is real. But it’s not a free pass to treat someone poorly. If they’re using his loss to justify emotional neglect or disrespect, they’re not in a place to love someone else. And if they’re not working through that grief in a healthy way, odds are high you’re being used to avoid it.

The sixth sign that a widow or widower may be using you is that they won’t talk about the future

Whenever the topic of moving in, marriage, or even long-term plans comes up, they shut it down by saying something like “now’s not the right time,” or “Let’s just see where this goes.”

Translation? They’re not planning a future with you. And if a widow or widower can’t imagine you in his future—or avoids every opportunity to talk about it—it’s because they haven’t put you there.

You might be meeting their present-day needs, but they’re not investing in a life together. That’s not love. That’s convenience.

The seventh that a widow or widower is using you is that you’re not treated as an equal partner.

You’re the one who’s constantly adjusting—your schedule, your expectations, your emotional needs—all to keep the relationship going. You’re the one who’s compromising, accommodating, and doing all the work.

Meanwhile, their needs come first. Their grief comes first. Their comfort comes first. And over time, you start to feel more like a caretaker than a partner.

A real relationship is mutual. If you’re always bending while they stand still, then yes—you’re being taken advantage of.

Those are the 7 signs. If you recognize one—or more—of these signs in your relationship, don’t ignore them. Bring it up. Talk it through. And see what they do with that conversation.

If they takes responsibility and starts making changes, you’ve got something to work with. But if they gets defensive, dismissive, or nothing changes... it’s time to walk away.

You deserve someone who’s all in. Someone who’s not stuck in the past, not using grief as a crutch, and not just looking for someone to fill a void.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. If you’ve seen other signs of being used by a widower, drop them in the comments—I’d love to hear your perspective. And I’ll see you next Wednesday with more advice on navigating relationships with widows and widowers.

Why He Won't Marry You: The Real Reason a Widower Won't Commit

What does it mean your widower won't commit to marriage and won’t even tell you why? In this episode of Widower Wednesday, Abel Keogh breaks down what it really means when a widower avoids giving you a straight answer. If you're feeling stuck, uncertain, or tired of waiting, this video gives you the clarity you need to make the right decision for your future. Watch now to hear the hard truth—and what you can do about it.

Self-Love & Emotional Independence: Key Lessons from My Relationship with a Widower

In this Widower Wednesday video, Elvira shares her powerful journey of healing and personal growth after dating a widower. From learning to love herself to discovering the importance of emotional independence, Elvira opens up about the lessons she’s learned and how they’ve shaped her approach to relationships.

If you've ever found yourself giving too much of yourself in a relationship or struggled with finding your own peace, Elvira's story offers valuable insights on how to prioritize your well-being and create healthy, fulfilling connections.

Key Takeaways:

  • How to develop radical self-awareness and listen to your instincts

  • The importance of emotional independence and self-love in relationships

  • Learning to forgive yourself and set healthy boundaries

  • Protecting your inner peace while navigating relationships

    Whether you’re dating a widower or just looking for relationship advice, this video provides wisdom on how to protect yourself emotionally and embrace a healthy, balanced approach to love.

5 Questions to Ask a Widow or Widower on a First Date

Dating a widow or widower can come with unique challenges, especially if you’ve never done it before. How do you know if they’re emotionally ready for a new relationship? What should you ask on a first date to gauge compatibility and their mindset?

In this video, I’ll share five essential questions to ask a widow or widower on a first date. These questions will help you understand their motivations for dating, their emotional availability, and whether they’re truly ready to move forward.

Love Across Decades: Must-Knows Before Making a Big Age Gap Commitment.

Wondering if a big age gap relationship can work long-term? In this video, we dive into a viewer’s question: What should a 45-year-old woman consider before committing to a 63-year-old partner (18-year gap)? From lifestyle differences to future planning, we cover the essential factors to weigh for a lasting romance across decades. Watch now for practical insights—share your thoughts in the comments!

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Today, we’re answering a question about large age gaps in relationships. This comes from a viewer who wrote: “There is an 18-year age gap between me and my widower. I’m 45, and he is 63. What challenges should we think about as we move forward, and from your coaching sessions, do these relationships have a chance of working out?” These are great questions, and I’m glad you’re thinking ahead about some of the age-related issues you might experience in addition to the widower-related ones.

If you want these relationships to work, you need to consider the long-term implications of being with someone with a 20-year age gap before committing. Every relationship is different, but I think there are five key factors to consider. The first is different life stages and long-term compatibility. At 45 and 63, you’re likely in different life stages. You might have years of career growth, travel adventures, or minor kids still living at home, while he may be thinking about retirement, slowing down, or even health concerns. Ask yourself: Do your long-term goals align? Are you okay with the possibility of becoming a caregiver sooner rather than later? As the age gap stretches into the 70s and 80s, health concerns often become more prominent. How do you both envision the next 10 to 20 years? What is your life like now, and do you see that aligning?

The second factor is energy levels, activities, and lifestyle. What are your energy level and lifestyle like right now? Does he match it? In your 40s and his 60s, he might be able to keep up, but what about in the next 10 to 20 years? What do you both enjoy doing in your free time, and can you continue doing those things as he gets older? The age gap will become more noticeable, especially when it comes to energy levels and interests. Are you going to be satisfied if his energy decreases or if his physical or mental abilities decline, limiting the activities you enjoy now? These differences don’t have to be deal-breakers, but you need to acknowledge and think about them.

The third factor is work, retirement, and finances. At 63, I assume he’s nearing or already in retirement. What’s his financial situation? Is he financially independent? What’s his retirement income like? Are there expectations that you’ll contribute more as he ages, especially if you’re still working while he’s retired? How does that dynamic affect your lifestyle if he’s at home all day and you’re working a 9-to-5 job? You need to have conversations about money, estate planning, and long-term financial security. Since he’s likely to pass away before you, what are the plans? Does he have kids, and how does that factor in? Every situation is individual, but these are things to consider.

The fourth factor is intimacy and physical changes. A 20-year age difference means physical aging will impact the relationship, especially as he gets older. Health issues, sexual function changes, and shifts in energy levels can all affect intimacy. Is he open to discussing these things? What are you willing to accept or not accept? Is physical connection an important part of your relationship? Consider how these factors might evolve not just in the next one, two, or three years, but 5 to 10 years down the road.

The fifth and biggest factor is end-of-life considerations. This isn’t the most romantic topic, but it’s an important one. If you’re committing your long-term future to someone 20 years older, you have to face the reality that he’s likely to die before you. You could be widowed in your 50s or 60s. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s a reality compared to a relationship with someone your own age. Are you prepared emotionally and practically for the possibility of becoming widowed or a long-term caregiver? What are his wishes regarding living arrangements and long-term care? There’s no right or wrong answer, but are you thinking through the worst-case scenario? Are you okay with it? Is he okay with it? Are you on the same page?

Now, your real question is: What are the odds of this relationship working out? The answer is yes, it can work. What matters isn’t the age gap itself but how well you navigate the challenges it brings. If you can both communicate about these issues, respect each other’s life experiences and differences, and have common ground on the things that matter most, the relationship has a strong foundation. But if you find yourself making too many compromises or ignoring red flags, it’s worth reevaluating whether this will truly bring you long-term happiness, especially 10 to 20 years ahead.

Instead of asking, “Can this work?” ask yourself, “Is this the life I want?” If you’re comfortable with the realities of dating someone nearly 20 years older and see a future that excites you, then age is just a number. But if these differences feel like obstacles rather than adjustments, it’s okay to acknowledge that love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship sustainable. In the relationships I’ve seen that work, they have a long-term view and are aligned on it. They’re okay with the possible challenges. If you’re in your 50s and he’s in his 70s, are you okay with being a long-term caregiver? If you’re widowed in your 60s, are you prepared for that? If you can take that long-term view and agree this is the life you want for the next 10, 20, or 25 years, then go for it. If not, be honest with yourself—maybe the age gap is too much to overcome.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Leave your stories and comments about large age gaps below, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.