Widower Wednesday: Dating and Wedding Rings

For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is now available in paperback. You can order it from Amazon here. If you’d like a signed copy, you can get one here. For those who have ordered books by Sunday night or shared their story in my book, all copies were mailed Monday morning.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from widowers who are looking to move on and date again but unsure about the best way to proceed. Over the next couple weeks I’ll address these questions. Today’s questions is from widower who is trying to better understand how women he might date feel about his wearing a wedding ring. Readers, this is your chance to leave a comment and help him out!

Hi Abel,

I’m interested in starting to date causally again. I've read through your posts and understand that most women feel uncomfortable dating a widower if he’s still wearing a wedding ring. My question to you is this: Instead of taking my wedding ring off, what if I wore it on my right hand instead of my left? Would that still make them uncomfortable?

Thanks,

G.

Wearing the wedding ring on your right hand instead of your left is definitely a step in the right direction but odds are its still going to make most women uncomfortable—especially if the ring looks like a wedding band. When most women see a widower wearing a wedding ring (no matter what hand it’s on), they wonder why the widower is dating again and if he’s really ready to move on. Do you really want those thoughts going through your date’s mind?

However, the bigger question is this: If you want to date again (albeit casually), why do you feel the need to wear the ring at all? In a past column I wrote that widowers shouldn’t be wearing one on their hand when they’re out on a date. I understand that taking the ring off can be a difficult step but if it’s something you need to do if you’re serious about taking this step in your life. If you can’t bear to be without it for a couple of hours, why not wear it on a necklace around your neck or put it in your pocket while you’re out—somewhere where you know where it is but your date can’t and won’t see it. I wore mine on a necklace for several months and I don’t think any of the women I dated casually were aware of it. (I took it off once Marathon Girl and I got serious. Read Room for Two if you want the full story.) That might be a good comprise that can make you and your date feel comfortable as you take this step.

Good luck and let me what you do and how it turns out.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings

First, if you’ve emailed me in the last week with a widower question and haven’t received a response, please be patient. I’m in the middle of proofing the galleysfor The Third. It’s a very slow and time intensive process and I’ve had to put all email replies to the backburner for the rest of the week. I’ll be catching up on emails next week.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday topic.

I receive two emails in my inbox about widowers wearing their wedding rings when they’re dating. One woman had just returned from a first date with a recent widower and noticed that he was still wearing his wedding ring on his left hand. The second was from a woman who’s been with a widower for several months. He’s been wearing ring on his right hand which hadn’t bothered the woman much until she learned it was the late wife’s wedding band. This made her feel very uncomfortable. Both women wanted to know if wearing the rings are a sign that these widowers aren’t ready to move on.

A ring is a symbol of his commitment to the late wife and their marriage. Once a widower has agreed to a serious, committed relationship with the new woman, the wedding ring should be removed from his finger put away. I would hope that most widowers would realize that wearing a wedding ring could cause a level of discomfort with the women they’re first dating and take it off beforehand. But not all widowers think of such things when the start dating again.

But is wearing a ring a sign the widower’s not ready to move on?

Well, it depends. I’m inclined to give the recent widower on the first date the benefit of the doubt. While I can see how that would make the woman he’s dating uncomfortable, I don’t necessarily see it as a sign that that he’s not ready to move on. The widower may not even give the ring on his finger a second thought. So, aside from the ring, if everything else went well, I don’t see a problem with going out again while keeping your eyes wide open for other signs he’s not moving on.

As to the second example, since the emailer made it sound like they’re in a committed relationship I think the ring should go. If the ring is the only red flags he exhibits, I’d be concerned but not too worried about it. I’d have a talk with him about the ring and let him know how it makes you feel. However, don’t ask him to take it off. That’s something he should want to do on his own. If he’s exhibiting other red flags in addition to the ring, I’d be more concerned.

As far as my experience goes, I never wore a wedding ring on my fingers when I started dating. Soon after my late wife died, I put it on a chain around my neck. I removed it once I realized it was coming between Marathon Girl and me. (Read Room for Two if you want the complete story.) I didn’t have a problem removing it and putting it in a box because I was ready to start a new life with Marathon Girl and couldn’t wait for the day I could wear a new ring that would symbolize our love and commitment to each other.

Widowers who are ready to start a new life shouldn’t have a problem removing it. While it’s just a public symbol, it is one that symbolizes a past life. Once they’ve started a committed relationship with someone else, it’s time to put the old ring away.