Widow(er)s can't force their kids to accept the relationship with their wife or girlfriend. They also can't force the late wife's family or friends to accept it either. So what's the best way to proceed in the face of opposition? This video has your answer.
Hi. It's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday.
I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower.
And today we're going to discuss why you can't force relationships.
This is something I've seen a lot recently in coaching sessions and in emails to me.
So I thought I would give some examples here and talk about why you can't force relationships.
So, for example, a widower gets into a serious relationship.
He either remarries or he's with a girlfriend, and they're getting serious.
They're talking about whatever, moving in together, things like that.
And the widower has children, and the widower has this idea that, hey, I'm going to get married.
We're going to have a big, happy family.
And he's in Mickey and visions, holidays, family vacations, things like that, together with him and his kids and his new wife or his girlfriend, or maybe even if she has kids, those kids, he kind of envisions, and she envisions this, too, kind of these big, happy reunions.
Or it could be that the widower, again, he gets into this relationship and he wants the late wife's family, maybe friends of he and the late wife, things like that, to kind of, he envisions, again, whatever, going on trips, having parties together, everybody kind of accepting the relationship.
And by the way, I want to state that there's nothing wrong with having these happy, you know, we get into a relationship, we're excited about it, we're happy about it, and we want people to accept.
Know, I think when I was in my relationship with Julie, for example, I was very proud that we were in a relationship.
I couldn't wait to take her to family events and things like that.
So nothing wrong with wanting that, by the way.
So if you're a widower or a wife or girlfriend of a widower, and you both kind of have this desire to kind of have a big, happy, blended family, to be at events and things where everybody is happy for you, nothing wrong with that.
The problem is that reality isn't what we always want it to be.
The issue is just because a widower is ready to open his heart and start a new life, that doesn't mean his kids are ready for that.
It doesn't mean that the late wife's family is ready for that.
It doesn't mean that his friends are ready for that.
Right.
We're all different people, and people have their own grief journeys, and people have their own things, and they need to work through that, and often they're not on the same page as the widower.
So, for know, when I was first dating, this was not Julie.
But when I was very first dating, I got serious with someone, took her to a family event, and it was like the absolutely awful, worst experience.
This is only maybe six months after my late wife died, and people were polite and stuff, but I could just tell bringing this woman to this event was probably the biggest mistake I had made.
Again, they were polite, but I could just sense the attention in there.
And then, like, later, when I was dating again, you know, very happy that I was dating Julie, very proud of the relationship, wanted to show her off.
I think the first couple of family events that we went to were also very awkward.
So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships.
And I think the mistake I see people make over and over again is that they have this big, happy thing of what they want, and then the kids don't cooperate, the late wife's family doesn't cooperate.
Friends don't cooperate, especially in the case of kids.
It's often that maybe they're rebellious or they just ignore the new girlfriend or the new wife.
Maybe they say mean things to her, things like that.
And this idea of having this big, happy relationship and having these events and parties and family events and holidays and vacations together never materializes.
And there's lots of tension there.
So you just got to understand that you can't force relationships, right?
Just because you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and you're happy again, you can't force that idea on other people.
They have to kind of go through their own grief journey.
What you can do is you can invite them to be part of the relationship.
I don't think you exclude them.
You can try to include them where appropriate.
You can set healthy boundaries where appropriate.
So, like, for example, if you have children that are saying mean things or doing nasty things to your wife, girlfriend, then I think you can obviously intervene, and I think you can set healthy boundaries.
But you've just got to understand that you can't force anybody to accept this relationship.
You can't force anybody to go along with these visions that you have.
Now, that doesn't mean that at some point you can't get there, that you can't have a happy family, but it does mean that you just can't force it.
And a lot of times, you just got to be patient for it to work.
So, for example, I know a lot of you are thinking, well, what can I do.
How do I kind of wait this thing out?
Or what are some things I can do to maybe encourage them to move forward in their grief?
And honestly, the best thing you can do is include them where appropriate.
So, for example, if it's the holidays or there's a family vacation going on, you can obviously invite people and want to include them.
Say, hey, we're having this whatever.
We're having this Christmas party, we're having this barbecue.
We would like you to come and be part of it.
So you can invite and persuade, but you cannot force.
And I think that's the problem I see, is that they say, well, you need to come to this, and we're all going to sit around the table and be happy.
It doesn't work that way.
Again, you can invite and persuade, but you can't force people to actually accept it.
But you can let others see that you're happy, that you are proud of the relationship, that you're happy with this new person, and you can hope that they take part.
Again, you can invite them, but again, you can't force them to take part of this.
Really what you have to do is you have to let other people work through their grief and come to accept the relationship on their own terms.
Now with children, I think this is the biggest thing, is that it can take years for them to accept the relationship.
But usually what I see, and this is maybe 70, 75% of the time, what I see is that if they invite and persuade and give children their space, at some point in the future, the kids come around and typically, I'm talking about teens or adults here, younger children typically aren't an issue.
But like with these teens or adult children, if you give them time to kind of work through things, you don't force anything on them.
Typically what happens is they eventually come around most of the time, even if they don't embrace the relationship, they kind of accept the new reality and they're willing to take part, like in family events and things like that.
But again, it's not something that you can force.
It's a little bit different, I will say, with the late wife's family and maybe friends that the widower and his late wife had, oftentimes you have to redefine those relationships.
Again, I think they tend to be a little more understanding, but I think from what the widower has to understand is that the dynamic that was there with the late wife and now that she's gone, sometimes, often those relationships have to be redefined.
So, for example, it's not that you can't have a relationship with the late wife's family, but if you're starting this new life with someone else, you've got to kind of redefine that relationship with her family because you've got to make the new woman in your life number one.
It's the same with friends and family, friends that you may have had with the late wife.
Again, nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with spending time with them.
But you might have to kind of redefine that relationship because the dynamic with the late wife is different.
So, like, for example, in my case, again, Krista and I had lots of friends that we were happy with and did lots of things with.
But when I married Julie and Julie kind of came into my I had to kind of redefine those relationships and those friendships with people, and I'm still friends with them, but we're not doing the same things and the same activities.
So ultimately, again, you just got to realize you can't force these relationships.
Forcing a relationship never works.
In fact, if anything, I think it breeds more resentment and more resistance to the relationship.
And you give kind of people something to kind of rebel about.
So again, I know it's frustrating, I know it can be hard.
But as you're going forward, what I really want you to kind of just understand is how can we invite and persuade people to come in here?
And obviously, yes, set healthy boundaries.
You don't want to invite someone that you know is going to cause trouble to family events and things like that.
But again, it's invite and persuade and give people time to kind of accept the new reality, give them time to work through their grief.
And most of the time, again, you'll see people come around and at least, at the very least accept the relationship.
One day I hope I'll have a client or something that will want to share a happy story that I can kind of share with you.
But again, I've seen it and again, it can take years, but especially with children, they will accept the relationship, but you just can't force it on them.
So stop trying to force relationships.
Understand that they're on their own journey and that most of the time they'll actually get there.
But your job is just to kind of help them.
Show them that you're happy and invite and persuade them to be part of this new family, this new dynamic.
But again, you can't force them.
Go ahead and share your own stories if you want to in the comments below.
If you got a good one, I'll share it in a future video.
Feel free to subscribe to this channel like this video as well.
And if you want, there's a link down in the description to set up a coaching session.
I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I'll see you next Wednesday.