Chapter 3:
5 Red Flags to Watch for When Dating a Widower
I’m frequently asked if a certain widower behavior, like always talking about his late wife or having photos all over the house, is a red flag that the widower isn’t ready to move forward. Often, these answers aren’t black and white, and much depends on the specific situation and what, if anything, the widower is doing to correct the problem. The purpose of this chapter isn’t to go over every possible circumstance you might find yourself in, but to identify the five specific red flags that usually indicate the widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship. If he exhibits any of these red flags, it’s more than likely he’s not ready to open his heart to you.
Red Flag #1: The Widower Hides You from Family and Friends
Most widowers start dating long before their children, close friends, and family are ready to see them with other women. Because widowers think their loved ones won’t support or understand their decision to date again (a decision the widowers themselves often can’t explain), they often keep their dating and relationships a secret for as long as possible.
It’s normal to be concerned about telling family and friends. These conversations are never easy, and it’s difficult to predict how others will react to this news. But widowers who are ready to open their hearts again will find the strength and courage to do it. Not telling others about your relationship becomes a red flag when widowers continually make excuses as to why it hasn’t happened yet. You’ll know it’s a red flag because you’ll feel like a mistress or a secret girlfriend.
Never tolerate being treated like some dirty little secret. When a widower hides you and your relationship from others, what he’s really saying is that he values the feelings of his loved ones more than he values you. Remember, men express their true feelings through their actions. When he intentionally hides you, keeps you from meeting loved ones, or purposely excludes you from family activities and get-togethers, what he’s really saying is that you’re not that important.
Over the years, I’ve talked with women who were literally asked to hide in a closet or wait quietly in another room when a widower’s friends or family stopped by unannounced. Other times, they were introduced as “just a friend” to the widower’s acquaintances. Some widowers refuse to eat at certain restaurants, shop at specific stores, or visit parts of town with their new girlfriends because they’re worried about running into someone they know. Other widowers plan dates or secret rendezvous only when they don’t interfere with planned family gatherings.
Widowers who are serious about opening their hearts will make introductions—no matter how difficult those announcements or meetings may be. The hardest conversation I had after dating again was telling Krista’s brother and grandmother that I was in a serious relationship with Julianna. I knew they were still grieving, and it would be difficult for them to know that just seven months after their granddaughter and sister’s death, I was in love again. Still, it was a conversation that needed to happen. Krista’s brother and grandmother were a big part of my life for seven years, and I knew it would hurt them even more to learn about my relationship with Julianna from someone else.
The more hesitant widowers are to tell others about the women they’re dating, the greater their internal doubts are about the relationship. Those who are confident about their feelings will have these conversations. For example, when Jennifer came to visit me for the first time, I waited until the last possible minute to tell my family she was coming. I only told them about Jennifer because I lived down the street from my parents, and there was no way I could hide the fact that I had a visitor. At the time, I rationalized my actions by telling myself I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of loved ones who were still grieving. However, when I became serious with Julianna a few months later, I never hid her or our relationship from anyone. In fact, I relished opportunities to introduce Julianna to everyone I knew. This change took place because I had no doubts about my feelings for Julianna. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and in order to do that, I had to integrate her into all aspects of my life.
By now, some of you are wondering when the widower should introduce you to friends and family. With close family members, it should happen soon after becoming exclusive. In cases where he’s worried about a negative reaction, it might be better for him to inform those he loves that he’s in an exclusive relationship before making face-to-face introductions. If introducing you in person isn’t practical or realistic, at the very least, the widower should let them know he’s in a committed relationship and who it’s with.
In my situation, I thought it was better to let Krista’s brother and grandmother know that I was in an exclusive relationship before they met Julianna. It was one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. Even though they were both verbally supportive and were thankful that I had told them, I could sense that they didn’t understand how I could open my heart to someone else less than a year after Krista’s death. When I introduced them to Julianna a few weeks later, I could tell they were still struggling with my decision, but they were polite and welcoming. If I hadn’t had that previous conversation with them, I don’t believe the actual introduction would have gone nearly as well.
The only exception I make to this rule is when the widower has minor children living at home. When that’s the case, I think the relationship should be on solid ground before introductions are made. This, however, doesn’t give the widower license not to tell them what he’s doing. At the very least, his minor children should know that their father is dating, and he should give you a rough timeline of when introductions will happen. However, if he continually makes up excuses as to why you haven’t met his kids or keeps changing the deadline, he’s hiding you and not ready to open his heart.
Remember that you should expect the same behavior from a widower that you would from any other man. Don’t let widowers get away with treating you like a secret. You deserve and should expect to be treated like the center of his universe.
Red Flag #2: You Remind the Widower of His Late Wife
Three months after Krista died, I created a profile on an online dating website. Back then, online dating was relatively new, and nowhere as sophisticated as the dating apps of today. After filling out some basic information about myself, I posted a single photograph, along with a paragraph about myself and what kind of woman I was looking to date. Then I started applying the website’s filters to see who came back as compatible matches.
Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was inputting Krista’s characteristics into the search filters, and as a result, the site was returning women who looked somewhat like Krista and had similar interests and hobbies. I didn’t do this intentionally. However, at that point in my life, Krista was the only woman I’d had a serious, long-term relationship with. We clicked on so many levels that I unconsciously figured that by putting in Krista’s interests and personality traits, I’d find someone who would be a good match. Despite the site returning dozens of “compatible” women, I never clicked with any of them when we met in person. At the time, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t connect with someone with similar looks and interests. In hindsight, I realize I wanted those women to be just like Krista and duplicate that wonderful relationship we shared.
I tell this story because when widowers start dating, their frame of reference for what makes a compatible or desirable partner is based on the looks, personality, and interests of the late wife. They think that finding someone who looks familiar and acts similarly to the late wife will heal their heart. (I recommend that widowers date several different women when they re-enter the dating waters so they’ll get exposed to a diverse set of women with different personalities and interests.) I was initially attracted to Jennifer because she was very similar to Krista. Like Krista, Jennifer was tall, blonde, creative, and had an outgoing personality. We even matched up perfectly in the political and faith aspects of our lives. That alone brought me a level of comfort and familiarity that made it an easy decision to let the relationship become more serious.
The fact that you have similar looks or personality to the late wife isn’t a red flag by itself. You should become concerned if the widower tries to mold you and your relationship into a replica of the one he shared with his late wife. Fortunately, this is an easy red flag to identify. The four most common things widowers who are looking to reconstruct their relationship with their late wife will do are:
Verbally compare the two of you. This is usually done through subtle hints about the way the late wife did things and how much he enjoyed them.
Constantly point out physical characteristics that you and the late wife share.
Ask you to dress in the late wife’s clothes and/or behave like her while you’re out on a date or in the bedroom.
Constantly take you to the same places where he and the late wife ate, vacationed, and frequented while refusing to try new things with you.
If all this sounds creepy, it is. If you find yourself dating a widower who exhibits one or more of these traits, note that healthy boundaries or better communication won’t fix this. He’s trying to re-create a part of his life that is gone forever by obliterating your unique personality and identity. He will never love you for who you are—only for who he thinks you can be. The best thing you can do if you find yourself in this kind of relationship is to end it immediately. In order for a relationship with a widower to grow and thrive, he has to love the new woman for who she is—not who he wants her to be. It’s a lesson I didn’t learn until I fell in love with Julianna.
(Chapter continues after video.)
Red Flag #3: The Widower Constantly Talks About the Late Wife
When I started dating, I always had an urge to talk about Krista. I wanted to tell the women I dated what a fabulous person Krista was, how much I missed her, and little tidbits of information about her. For the most part, I managed to keep those thoughts to myself and focus on getting to know the woman I was dating. Still, it took a lot of energy and concentration to keep focused on my date instead of talking about Krista. To this day, I have no idea why I had that constant urge. Perhaps it was some kind of grief or coping mechanism. Whatever the reason, over the years, I’ve learned that other widowers have the same desire to talk about their late wives when they start dating.
This in and of itself isn’t a red flag. The red flag occurs when widowers find a way to inject the late wife into every conversation or activity. Say you’re driving through town together and the widower points to a restaurant and says, “My wife and I ate there all the time” or “That was my wife’s favorite place to eat.” You could be at home watching TV, and he comments on how his wife always liked the actor on the screen or the type of show you’re watching. You could be listening to music, and the widower finds some way to tie a memory of his wife into the conversation.
While it’s hard to say why widowers want to talk about their late wives, what I do know is that most of them can and will bring it under control if you let them know it bothers you. This usually involves saying something along the lines of, “I know you had a good marriage, but when you talk about your late wife all the time, it makes me feel like you’re not ready to move on. I don’t mind hearing about her from time to time, but let’s make sure it’s relevant to our conversation or what we’re doing.” Remember that you’re not asking that he never speak of his late wife. Instead, you’re asking that she only be part of a conversation when it’s appropriate or relevant.
When I started dating Jennifer, I didn’t talk much about Krista. As time went on, however, I talked about her more often. Jennifer never objected or expressed concern, so Krista became a more frequent part of our conversations. I don’t remember talking about her all the time, but I do remember feeling that I could talk about her whenever I wanted because Jennifer didn’t seem to care. It wasn’t until after we broke up that I learned just how hard it was for her to hear stories about Krista.
When I was dating Julianna, I was so worried about doing or saying something that would bring our relationship to an end that I rarely, if ever, talked about Krista. It reached a point where Julianna had to let me know that it was okay to talk about Krista from time to time. There were things she wanted to know about Krista, our marriage, and Krista’s suicide so she could understand me better. It took some time, but eventually I found a way to talk about Krista that worked for both of us.
Widowers who are unable to stop talking about the late wife need more help than you can give them. Even though they’re with you physically, their minds are stuck in the past, unable to embrace the present and future. While it’s fine to set boundaries and give these widowers a chance to improve, if he can’t stop talking about his late wife, the relationship isn’t worth continuing.
Red Flag #4: He Won’t Remove Shrines to the Late Wife
It’s normal for widowers to keep a shrine in memory of their late wives. Some shrines are big and obvious, like an urn displayed prominently in the home. It might be a giant photograph on the wall or a room dedicated to the late wife’s things.
Other memorials to the late wife aren’t so obvious. It could be a physical object like her car, her clothes, mementos from trips they took together, or even the home he and the late wife shared. If you’re not sure what the shrine is, look for things he has a hard time parting with. Whatever form the shrine takes, the purpose of it is the same: to remember the late wife, honor her memory, and bring some emotional comfort to the widower.
Having a shrine in and of itself isn’t a red flag. Everyone has different ways of dealing with loss, and it’s natural to want to preserve the memory of the deceased. The first time you visit a widower’s home and see a memorial to the late wife, don’t panic and think that the widower isn’t ready to date again. Perhaps you’re the first date he’s brought home, or maybe he hasn’t found someone he loves enough to take down the memorial. Shrines only become red flags as the relationship becomes serious and he doesn’t make any effort to remove them.
My memorial to Krista consisted of a dozen photographs that adorned various rooms of my house. Some photographs were large, others were small. Some photos were just of her, while others were of the two of us. You couldn’t spend more than a few minutes in my house without seeing an image of Krista.
Krista’s presence was something Julianna acutely felt the first time she visited my house. She didn’t tell me at the time, but when she went home that night, she wondered if I was ready for the serious relationship I claimed to want, when photographs of Krista hung in practically every room of my home. The second time Julianna visited, I sensed she was uncomfortable and wondered if Krista’s photos had something to do with it. Since we spent all our time in the kitchen or living room, I removed the photos of Krista in those rooms. The next time Julianna visited, I could immediately tell a difference in her demeanor. She seemed more relaxed, and stayed longer than her previous visits.
As our relationship became more serious, the rest of the photographs came down one by one. At first, taking them down wasn’t easy. Putting them away was like saying goodbye to Krista. Before removing each one, I asked myself if I valued Krista’s photo more than my relationship with Julie. As our love for each other grew, it became easier to take down the pictures. It took two months, but eventually, Julie could go anywhere in my house without seeing Krista looking back at her.
Widowers who are ready to open their hearts won’t let shrines come between you and them. They will sell the late wife’s car, scatter her ashes, take down the photos, remove the mementos, or redecorate the house. Widowers who refuse to remove shrines or talk about doing it but never take action aren’t ready to move forward. They’re in love with the memory of someone they’ll never see again in this life. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you’ll get used to her pictures, her knickknacks, or the urn on the mantel, because you won’t. The shrine, whatever form it takes, will gnaw at you until it drives you crazy. You can’t compete with a memory. Memories always win.
Red Flag #5: After a Year Together, He Can’t See a Future with You
I’m inevitably asked how long it takes a widower to open his heart to someone else. The answer is simple: Widowers will eagerly start a new chapter when they find a woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It doesn’t matter how recently their wife passed away or how she died. When widowers find the right person, they’ll work through their sorrow and loss and start a new life. And the best part? They know whether the woman they’re dating has long-term potential usually within weeks or months of first meeting her.
Don’t believe me? Ask a man who’s happily married how long it took him to know that his wife was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Every one of them will tell you that they knew it within weeks or months. If you feel it’s appropriate (and if you really want to know), ask your widower how quickly he knew his late wife was someone he could spend the rest of his life with. You’ll get the same answer.
If you’ve been with a widower for a year or more and he can’t commit to marriage or a long-term relationship, he’ll never be able to give either of those to you. He may say that he needs more time to grieve or that he can’t see a future with you now, but if you’re patient just a little longer, he’ll eventually work things out. No matter what a widower says to convince you to stay with him, you need to know you’re in a relationship that’s not going anywhere.
When a widower meets a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he will do—not say—whatever it takes to make that woman the love of his life. He will take down the photos of the late wife, scatter her ashes, stop posting on social media about her, sell their home, introduce the new woman to family and friends, and figure out the best way to blend families. He won’t make excuses or say that he needs more time to grieve. While there’s bound to be bumps and setbacks along the way, the relationship won’t stay in a rut for months or years on end. Widowers will try hard to make things work if they want a lifelong relationship with you.
About a month after Krista and I started dating, I knew I could happily spend the rest of my life with her. I had never felt that way about anyone else before, and part of me wondered if this feeling was real or if it would fade as our relationship matured. It never did. In fact, the more time I spent with Krista, the more I could see us getting married, having children, and growing old together. And though I figured there would hardships and the normal ups and downs that everyone experiences, I wanted to do it with Krista by my side.
I never felt that way with Jennifer. I enjoyed her company and had a good time when we were together, but something about the relationship didn’t feel right. At the time, I thought it was because I was recently widowed and grieving. Once I worked through that, I’d be able to see us starting a family and growing old together.
It never happened.
Whenever Jennifer brought up the subject of marriage and our future together, I’d nod along with her and talk about the future she envisioned even though I could never see myself as her husband.
Then Julianna came along, and everything changed.
Even though our first date was a disaster, I sensed there was something special about her. Those feelings were strong enough for me to ask for a second chance. After our next date, I knew Julianna was someone I could marry, start a family with, and spend the rest of my life with. In fact, the love I had for Julianna was the same love I felt toward Krista.
Yes, you read that right. My feelings for Krista and Julianna were one and the same.
Despite those similarities, I wasn’t sure if I could trust my feelings. I was still an emotional mess and wondered if my feelings for Julianna were temporary and would fade once the honeymoon phase of our relationship wore off. Besides, we started dating just as my relationship with Jennifer was ending. I hadn’t crossed any grief milestones or made any major progress on opening my heart. There was no logical reason why I could suddenly open my heart to someone else. However, the more time I spent with Julianna, the stronger my feelings about her became. Within a month, I knew I wanted to marry her. (It took Julianna a bit longer to feel the same way.)
Julianna didn’t say or do anything special that made me fall in love with her. There was just something wonderful about her that reinforced itself whenever I spent time with her. Because of this, I was determined to show her that I was ready to start a new chapter of my life, so I started making changes. Nine months after our disastrous first date, we exchanged vows and became husband and wife.
Some of you are probably thinking that my story is unique. After all, I was young when I was widowed and didn’t have to deal with the issues and stress that come with blending families. In reality, it doesn’t matter how old the widower is, how many kids he has, or how long he and the late wife were married. Over the last fifteen years, I’ve witnessed this pattern of widowers knowing they’ve found someone special repeated over and over and over again, and their love for this new woman doesn’t fade. Instead, it grows stronger and stronger as the relationship becomes more serious.
For those who are wondering if there’s something you can do or say to help the widower see what a catch you are, the only thing you can do is be yourself. That alone should be all the motivation the widower needs to move forward. If he doesn’t see it, it’s his loss, not yours.
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