How to Break Up with a Widower, Part 2: Telling the Widower the Relationship is Over

In the second of a 3 part series on breaking up with a widower, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses 5 tips and tricks that can make the breakup conversation go smoother while avoiding giving widowers who aren't ready to open their hearts a second chance.

Sure! Here's the transcript with added punctuation and paragraphs for better readability:

Hi, it's Wednesday, which means it's time for another video edition of "Wit or Wednesday." I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today is the second in a three-part series about how to break up with a widower.

In Part 1, we discussed the reasons that you should break up with a widower and when's a good time to end the relationship. This video is focused on the actual breakup part and will include some tips and ideas on how to make the conversation go as easily as possible for both you and the widower.

The final video, which I'll post next time I do a Widower Wednesday video, is about how to put your life back together after a breakup and how to avoid giving widowers who are just looking to date (but aren’t ready to move on) a second chance. It's very common that widowers want a second chance, and we'll talk about how to know if a widower is serious about changing after you break up with him.

But today, we're going to discuss five tips and tricks that can make the breakup conversation as easy as possible. Keep in mind, some of these may seem counterintuitive, but remember, you're speaking to a man, and these tips are designed to help both you and him. So here we go:

Tip 1: Do It in Person

Please, please, please, do not break up over text, chat, or any other form of communication, unless you're worried about his reaction, like you're worried about him getting violent. In that case, yes, you can do it personally, but honestly, the best way to do it is to have the conversation in person. You know, maybe in a private place—not necessarily in your home or his home, but please don’t do it in public. Find a quiet place, like a park, to have that conversation.

The reason I suggest this is not only does it make it more personal, but it also gives you a chance to read his body language and see how he's responding to this. That’s something you really can’t do over email, text, or chat.

If you're in a long-distance relationship, the best thing you can do is, again, I understand you may not be able to be there in person, but at least do it over FaceTime or Zoom, or something like that, where you can see each other, read each other's body language, and it’s a bit more personal.

I know, many of you know, I had a long-distance relationship with someone before I met Julie. I did break up with her on the phone since we were 600 miles apart, and face-to-face wasn’t possible. But I’ll add that this was back before FaceTime and Zoom, so a phone call was the most personal option under the circumstances.

Tip 2: Make a Clean Break

When you break up, you break up. This conversation isn’t about second chances or him saying he’ll make changes to his life. This is about a breakup, and it needs to be crystal clear. For example, you could say something like, “John, things aren’t working out, and I’m ending the relationship,” or “John, we’ve tried, but it’s not working out, it’s over.”

Feel free to write it down and practice it before you actually break up with him, but it needs to be made clear that this isn’t about second chances or anything else. It’s a breakup.

The reason for this is that if you don’t make it clear, it’s easy to get sidetracked into him asking for a second chance or trying to convince you to make things work. Widowers who aren’t looking for a serious relationship will try to string things out as long as possible. He needs to know that it’s over, and you need to know that it's over too.

Tip 3: Keep the Breakup Conversation Short and Simple

You don’t have to give him a reason. Don't drag the conversation out or get into a bunch of side stuff or emotions; that's only going to make things worse for both of you. Remember, you’re talking to a man, and if you want him to understand you, talk like a man would talk to another man—short, simple, and direct.

Be kind, but firm. For example, you could say, “John, the relationship is over,” or “We’re breaking up.” You can give him a reason if you want, like, “I can’t stand your adult children,” or “You’re still wearing your wedding ring.” Keep it short and to the point, and don’t feel obligated to give a reason.

Widowers don’t always give reasons when they break up. In my coaching sessions, I hear from many people whose widowers just walk away, and they never get an explanation. If you feel like giving a reason, that’s fine, but you’re not obligated to. Keep it simple and avoid dragging it out.

Tip 4: You Don’t Have to Listen to His Reasons

After the breakup, he might give you excuses about why things haven’t worked out, or he might promise to change. Understand that you don’t have to listen to this. The point of the conversation is to end the relationship, not to figure things out or offer second chances.

If he starts giving you reasons, you can simply say, “It’s too late to fix things, it’s over.” Don’t go down that rabbit hole of excuses. If he tries to make things worse, kindly cut him off. Say something like, “I’ve heard these excuses before, but we need to move on.”

Tip 5: After You Break Up, Block Him

After the breakup, block him on social media, your phone, email—any way he can contact you. The reason I suggest this is that this is a very vulnerable time for you. You may still be feeling lousy, even if breaking up was the right thing to do. The last thing you need is him texting or calling and promising that things will change.

You need time to reflect and gain some emotional distance. Blocking him shows that you're serious and gives you space to evaluate how life is without him. Too often, I’ve seen widowers worm their way back into a woman’s life, weeks after the breakup. Then, months later, she finds herself in the same situation because nothing changed.

Take at least a couple of weeks of no contact. This will give you time to reflect and put your life back together. After the breakup, you may realize how much less stressed or happier you are, and that’s a good sign. If you feel better, that means the breakup was the right choice.

To summarize, the five tips for breaking up with a widower are:

  1. Do it in person.

  2. Make a clean break—this isn’t about second chances.

  3. Keep the conversation short and simple; you don’t have to give a reason.

  4. You don’t have to listen to his reasons, but if you do, be prepared to cut him off.

  5. After the breakup, block him on social media and all other ways he can contact you.

In the next video, I’ll discuss second chances and how to know if the widower who wants one is serious.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. Like, subscribe, and leave a comment below if you have questions about breaking up with a widower or want to share your widower story. I’ll see you next Wednesday!

5 Ways to Stop Living in the Past

Living in the past is toxic for any relationship. Whether you're a widower or dating a widower, holding on to memories or grudges will destroy even the strongest relationships. In this video relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discuss 5 things widowers and those who are dating them can do to live in the present and embrace the future.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to the Late Wife

One of the biggest challenges that come with dating a widower is comparing yourself to the late wife. This isn't easy especially when the deceased are often held up as angels and saints. In this video, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses some tips and tricks that can help you focus on what makes you unique and wonderful and see yourself as the widower sees you.


The Best Way to Honor the Late Wife

What’s the best way to honor the late wife? The answer may surprise you.

Transcript of video follows:

It's Wednesday, and it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we're going to address a question I get not only from women dating widowers but from widowers themselves: what is the best way for the widower to honor the late wife?

This is often asked because a lot of women get involved in a relationship with a widower and then feel guilty that they aren't doing something to help the widower honor the late wife, like visiting the cemetery or participating in some kind of event in her honor. I also get it from widowers as well. They ask, "What is a good way to honor the late wife?"

I think the reason the question gets asked so much is that, as a society, we don't have a lot of norms or customs around what's the best way to honor someone. Maybe 100 years ago there was a way to do it, but now it's like, "Well, I don't know. I'm gonna run an event or post something on social media." There's no real norm around this.

So, if you feel guilty, don't. I'll explain in a minute, but let's talk about some of the ways that widowers "honor" the late wife. I'm going to put that in air quotes because I think I can make a case that these really aren't ways to honor the late wife.

Some ways you'll see include putting the ashes on the mantel somewhere, displaying photos of her in the house, posting something on social media about the late wife on special days like their anniversary, birthday, or date of death, or participating in some kind of event in her honor, like a 5K charity run if she died from a disease like cancer. They might also visit the gravesite regularly or get together annually with family or friends to honor her.

If you're feeling guilty about not participating with the widower or his kids, know that you are now absolved of all guilt regarding this. As a former widower, I absolve you of all guilt. Whether you're a widower or dating one, if you feel guilty about not doing any of these things to honor the late wife, don't. You shouldn't feel guilty because none of these things are ways to actually honor the late wife. They're great ways to remember her, but not to honor her.

There's a difference between remembering the late wife and honoring her. Often, when we talk about honoring the late wife, we're really talking about ways to remember her. I talk in my book about healthy ways to remember the late wife, but if you want to honor somebody, there's a better way than posting something on social media or visiting a cemetery.

So, how do you honor the late wife? In short, you live your life in a way that would make her proud of you. Think about it. To honor the late wife, live your life in a way that would make her proud.

Let me give you an example. In the Bible, they talk about honoring your father and mother. I'm not going into the religious aspect, but think about it. How many people honor their mom and dad by putting up photos in their home or visiting their gravesite? Is that how you honor your parents?

Honestly, think about it. If you're a parent, what's the best way you would want your kids to honor you if you died? Would it be putting up photos, visiting your gravesite twice a year, or running a race in your honor? Or would it be living their lives in a way that makes you proud?

For me, as a parent, I hope when I die, my kids remember me fondly and maybe visit the cemetery occasionally. But more importantly, I want them to turn into good members of their community.

So, take that a step further. How would your late wife want you to honor her? Would it be through parties and photos, or would she want you to be happy and move on?

An example of how I honor my late wife, Krista, is by remarrying and having a family with Julianna. Some of you might wonder how remarrying and having a family with another woman honors my late wife. Krista had an outgoing personality and made everyone feel loved and included. If she saw me moping around years later, she'd be mad.

The best way I honor Krista is by living my life fully, being happy, and continuing to live. I have built a great life with Julianna and my kids. It's not perfect, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So, think about your late wife. If she were looking down from heaven, would she be happy with the way you're living your life? Are you raising your kids well?

Remembering the late wife is fine, but you honor the people you love by the way you live your life. If you can live in a way that makes them proud, you've done your job.

So, if you're dating a widower, don't feel bad if you're not participating in ways to remember the late wife. The best thing you can do is help each other be happy.

And if you're a widower, take some time today to think about how your late wife would want you to live your life. Are you living in a way that honors her?

Live your lives in a way that would make the late wife proud. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Feel free to subscribe and comment below if you can think of other ways to honor the late wife. Schedule a coaching session if you'd like to talk about this more. See you all next Wednesday.