“If he doesn’t have your back, he’s not worth it.” — Abel Keogh, Relationship Coach
Option B
I’m honored to be a small part of Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant’s new book Option B. The message of the book is one that everyone can benefit and learn from: We are stronger and more resilient than we think. We not only have the ability to cope with devastating life events but can rediscover joy and find greater meaning and appreciation for life after experiencing tragedies. The book teaches readers learn how to own situations instead of having situations own us.
Since many of my readers are widowers or are in a relationship with a widower, the book is about how Sheryl Sandberg was able to put her life back together after the unexpected death of her husband. The book has some good ideas that can help widowers overcome the loss of their spouse and count the blessings in their lives. It contains tips and suggestions on how to talk to those who have lost a loved one or struggling with serious life events.
Thankfully the book looks beyond simply losing a spouse and you don’t have to have lost a spouse to appreciate the message Sandberg and Grant convey. Anyone who’s suffered from or had a friend or family member who’s has a serious disease, lost a job, is going through a divorce, struggling with addictions, victim of sexual assault, etc. can benefit from the message in this book. Highly recommend read.
The Other Love of His Life
Amy Paturel has the My Turn column in the latest issue of Newsweek which, interestingly, deals with her fiancé and herself having to make peace with the dead wife before they could move on. A lot of her emotions echo what women who are dating widowers have emailed me over the years. Writes Patruel:
I pored over her pictures trying to learn everything I could about the woman who came before me. She would always hold a place in Brandon's heart, so I needed to know who she was.
A chill came over me when I visited her memorial page and read through the online guest book: "No one could ever fill her shoes," someone wrote. That launched me into my next search: "dating a widower." Every site I visited warned of men who disappear after a few months out of guilt, those who constantly draw comparisons to their late spouse and those who live in the tragic state of "what if?" Brandon hadn't done any of those things.
But then I read this: "If he has pictures of her on the walls, clothes of hers in the closet and trinkets of their life together on display, he is not ready."
Brandon insisted he wanted to move on, that she was dead and he was not. He even avoided the red flags I had read about. About a month into the relationship, the ring came off. Pictures were tucked away and replaced. Slowly, her clothes began to disappear from the closet.
Yet I still grappled with the feeling that I might never measure up to what he lost. In his mind, she will always be 33 and beautiful. Me? I'll get gray hair, wrinkled skin and flabby thighs. What's more, their relationship will remain perfect, frozen forever in newlywed bliss. In six short months, they didn't weather the storms that come with age and time: sleepless nights caring for newborns, arguments over money, in-law drama.
Her essay is a good vignette on what it takes for both people to find peace and start a new life together.
You can read Paturel’s essay here.
(Thanks for the link, Erin!)