Loss is part of who you are, but it is not who you are. — Abel Keogh, Relationship Coach
Chrissy Teigen, Loss, and Our Collective Inhumanity
Yesterday Chrissy Teigen posted a photo of her sitting in a hospital bed after miscarrying her 18-week old baby, Jack, and the internet exploded. Some accused Teigen of milking her tragedy to increase her social media following. Others said she was a hero for expressing her loss and grief. Others wondered why anyone would share, let alone take, a photo of such a personal, tragic moment.
As someone who has lost a child and is tired of the continued divisiveness that’s encouraged by social media, I will say this: Losing a child is the worst thing anyone can experience. It doesn’t matter if it was a miscarriage, a stillbirth, a child who died soon after birth, or any other age. It sucks more than words can describe. Losing a child is something I’d never wish on anyone for any reason. My daughter, Hope, was born nearly 3 months early and died 9 days after her birth. That was 18 years ago, and I still feel an occasional flash of pain from losing her.
Social media wasn’t a thing in 2001 so I have no idea how I would have announced Hope’s death. Maybe I would have included a photo of her. Maybe it would have just been a couple of sentences. Maybe I would have let someone else post about it because taking Hope off life support was such a gut-wrenching experience that I may not have had the strength to do it. I do know that if I lost Hope in 2020, whatever I shared probably would have generated a similar reaction as Teigen (albeit on a far smaller scale).
One of many problems with social media is that it’s made everyone think they’re mind readers. For example, someone posts their support for Donald Trump and those who disagree accuse her of supporting white supremacy. Someone posts their support for Joe Biden and she’s accused of being a socialist. Teigen posts a photo of her grief and millions of people can suddenly read her mind and know her motivations for announcing it.
The truth is I have no idea why Teigen posted the photo and accompanying message and you don’t either. I hope it was because it was a sincere expression of grief and pain she’s going through and not to increase her social media presence. (If she posted it for likes or to grow her audience then I have absolutely no sympathy for her situation.)
Sadly, social media has become performance art making it nearly impossible to tell who sincerely sharing something and who’s just looking for more likes, shares, and clicks. The varied response to Teigen’s announcement and photo proves it.
The only person who knows why Teigen posted the photo and announcement is Teigen herself. And since none of us can read her mind maybe the best course of action is to either assume the best of intentions or say (or post) nothing in response. (Side note: maybe give your social media friends the same benefit of the doubt when the post something about politics or anything else you disagree with. Always attributing the worst motives to those who disagree might make you feel awesome but it comes at the cost of your soul.)
As for taking photos of such personal, tragic moments, back in 2001 I wasn’t happy that my parents took a lot of pictures of Hope’s brief life and funeral. I had so much going on that documenting the event was the last thing I cared about. But after life calmed down I was grateful for the photos. And though I doubt I would have shared them on social media, they brought me much comfort when I was in a state of mind to appreciate them.
Finally, If I had the chance to say anything to Teigen, it would be this: I’m sorry for the unexpected loss of your son, Jack. I hope that you can reach a point where you can find peace and understanding from this event. I’m praying for you and hope that God will give you the strength to move forward one day, one hour, and one minute at a time.
The Grief Industry
A few minutes after 9 p.m. Monday, a red Honda traveling at a high rate of speed drove off the road. The driver overcorrected and the car skidded sideways, striking a second vehicle. The driver and the passenger of the Honda, both 16-year-old students at a nearby high school, were declared dead at the scene of the accident. The driver of the second vehicle was taken to the hospital in serious condition. The accident was the lead story on every local news broadcast. It was the main story in the newspapers. Photos of the red Honda, totaled beyond recognition, were shown over and over again.
As I read an article about the accident, what stuck with me wasn’t the sad details but that the high school sent 11 grief counselors to the school to help students cope with their loss.
Eleven grief counselors.
Make no mistake, it was a tragedy. Two sons, friends, and brothers are dead. Another seriously injured. Two families are mourning their loss. A second family is anxiously hoping their loved one will recover.
But this wasn’t Columbine. It was an auto accident most likely caused by an inexperienced driver going too fast. It’s the kind of accident that could have been prevented. Why did the school district feel the need to send 11 grief counselors to the school. Did they feel the need to talk with the entire student body?
Unfortunately sending in an army of grief counselors at the faintest hint of tragedy has become common practice. We’ve become conditioned to believe that no one can begin to move on or start to heal unless we’ve all done our due diligence with a grief counselor or therapist.
Friends and family members of the 16-year-old boys are going to be sad over the coming days, weeks, and months. With some the sadness might linger on for years. And, yes, there may be one or two that need professional help. But most will not. The vast majority of those who loved and knew them will move on with their lives.
Most people – teenagers included – have the ability to adequately cope with death of friend of loved one without professional help. Those most likely to take up the services of the 11 grief counselors those who 1) weren’t that close to the boys who died and 2) already have some type of emotional problem. Rather than sending grief counselors to the school (since when has it become the business of schools to provide grief counseling anyway?) the school should have seen how students were dealing with the death of the boys weeks or months later. Those that appeared to still be having emotional issues should have been referred back to their parents and let them decide how best handle the situation.
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